Fear
Fear.. Who doesn't feel it? Everyone does. Even I did. And still do. I still remember clearly the first time ever I felt the real 'intense fear', and it was of losing my sister, just after pushing her down my shop-house stairs when she was busy riding her small peddle-chair.
The second time I felt fear was when my dad, instead of beating me up for a reason I cant seem to recall, had send me naked right to the ugly-dark store room surrounded by coconut trees and monkeys behind my shop at the age of 7. The fear at that time was of the dark, which somehow I've managed to overcome.
Shortly after that, when I was 13, my next fear returned and this time it was all because of me myself. I still remember the day I learned about negative numbers and was one of the few ones who really understood it. That night my boyfriends parents came visiting and me, typically a showing-off person, brought my work book and sat right directly under their nose to do my work (just to show that 'I was a very hardworking and smart girl who studies all the time so you better accept me when ur boy tells you about me'). And as usual my uncle had to disturb all my plans by asking me questions from that book which naturally I couldn't answer. The fear at that time, was nothing but of being embarrassed, in front of them, and later my bf.
And now, that same kind of foolish fear is returning. Only this time, I fear of being 'beaten'. Beaten in my own game, all because I never listened to my friends when they told me 'to take things easily' and 'live life like there is no tomorrow'. And I, as stubborn as always, never listened, feared of not having a secured job if I listened to them, enrolled into this program while now; they are really having excitement in their lives, all with good jobs, and a life that I envy. On the other hand, look at me!! I'm so far from having fun, I certainly don't look like I'll have a enjoyable job (if I hv to stay in the hosp for 4 yrs), and am far-off from having a 'life'. I just wonder if I did indeed listened to them, how my life would have been..
The second time I felt fear was when my dad, instead of beating me up for a reason I cant seem to recall, had send me naked right to the ugly-dark store room surrounded by coconut trees and monkeys behind my shop at the age of 7. The fear at that time was of the dark, which somehow I've managed to overcome.
Shortly after that, when I was 13, my next fear returned and this time it was all because of me myself. I still remember the day I learned about negative numbers and was one of the few ones who really understood it. That night my boyfriends parents came visiting and me, typically a showing-off person, brought my work book and sat right directly under their nose to do my work (just to show that 'I was a very hardworking and smart girl who studies all the time so you better accept me when ur boy tells you about me'). And as usual my uncle had to disturb all my plans by asking me questions from that book which naturally I couldn't answer. The fear at that time, was nothing but of being embarrassed, in front of them, and later my bf.
And now, that same kind of foolish fear is returning. Only this time, I fear of being 'beaten'. Beaten in my own game, all because I never listened to my friends when they told me 'to take things easily' and 'live life like there is no tomorrow'. And I, as stubborn as always, never listened, feared of not having a secured job if I listened to them, enrolled into this program while now; they are really having excitement in their lives, all with good jobs, and a life that I envy. On the other hand, look at me!! I'm so far from having fun, I certainly don't look like I'll have a enjoyable job (if I hv to stay in the hosp for 4 yrs), and am far-off from having a 'life'. I just wonder if I did indeed listened to them, how my life would have been..
